Dumb-asses & Abiding Love
Photo by Tim Mossholder -Unsplash @timmossholder
After my best friend died, I looked for ways to support her two sons. This godmother takes those vows seriously. My friend was the closest thing I had to a sister, and as I’ve heard it said, the sister of my mother is also my mother.
No one can replace a mother. A loving adult can provide some support, remind them that their mother loved them, tell them stories about when they were little, and help them manage some adult stuff.
The boys were 17 and 13 when their mom died unexpectedly. It was awful. She had been struggling with a number of health problems that I later understood as related to alcoholism. The only way I can describe the feeling of losing her is to say that it felt like something very deep and interior to my being was sliced, and raw, and bleeding. There was this searing pain that made my body feel as though it was turned inside out. Something that had always been a part of me was wrenched away.
My coping strategy was to focus on her boys. Whatever I was feeling, how much worse was it for them? Their dad made sure that their needs were met and they had a circle of loving adults around them. The boys knew that we loved them and that they were always welcome in our home 2,601 miles away. They were (and still are) in my daily prayers. I also helped them manage their bank accounts.
When he was 19, the oldest son, Logan, wasn’t paying attention to his bank account balance. He was racking up these ridiculous overdraft fees. It was making me crazy. I texted and texted.
Me: “Please text me so we can talk about bank stuff.”
Logan:
The next day…
Me: “I love you and I’m not mad. Please give me a call.”
Logan:
My friends at bookclub had a few ideas for getting Logan to pay attention to the overdraft fees. Some ideas were too harsh, some were too soft. I felt like Goldilocks. Then Jessica said in her just-right way, “You need to tell him that you were a dumb-ass once, too. That you totally blew it on stuff like this.”
When she saw confusion on my face, she added, “Logan thinks that you have always had your shit together. Tell him you haven’t always been on top of this stuff. Tell him you were a dumb-ass and you understand. I bet he’s feeling judged because you look like you never made any mistakes.”
Jessica has a way of charging through my neat little constructs. Her colorful language helps.
The next day…
Me to Logan: “Hey there. I want you to know that when I was young I was a total dumb-ass about financial stuff. I wasted a lot of money and I was too scared to talk to anyone about it. I’m here when you need me.”
He called later that day.
Logan is now serving in the military. He is staying on top of his spending and bank fees. He recently showed me an app on his phone that he was using to learn about investments. I had a lot of questions about the stock market, and he had answers.
I don’t mean to brag, but… I was a dumb-ass for a longer period of time than Logan was.
When we perceive one another as having it all together, we miss out on the type of connection that we need to develop trust. When I look like I know what I’m doing all of the time (which of course I do not), that can be intimidating.
It’s a catch 22, though. Stumble and make mistakes and you aren’t perceived as competent. Exude confidence and competence and no one will reach out to you because they are intimidated. Like Goldilocks, we need something in the middle. Some way that is “just right.”
When it comes to the people closest to me, especially my children and godsons, disclosing the mistakes I made in the past lets them know that we get through those moments. We get through and we learn. They will not be judged harshly or lose my love in any way.
My kids have heard me repeat this variation of a line from Rob Bell in a NOOMA Bible Study video (I think it was LUMP-010):
“Nothing you can say or do will change how much I love you. I love you the same whether you win big awards or make big mistakes or both. You have all of my love already.”
Isn’t this what we all want to hear?
From our mothers and fathers and friends?
From God herself?
Photo by Jenna Christina- Unsplash @jennachristina
Imagine Jesus texting you when you are making lots of dumb-ass mistakes in a row. You ignore the messages.
Finally, Jesus texts and says: “Hey, I was human once, too. I know this is all really overwhelming. Let’s talk. And just so you know- Nothing you can do will separate you from my love. Nothing.”
Hard to imagine? Check out Romans 8.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Photo by Kyler Trautner -Unsplash @kylertrautner
Maybe it is helpful to hear another version. Here is how Eugene Peterson interprets God’s love for us in The Message version:
Romans 8
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.
The abiding love of God is real whether another human shows us love or not. Whether our parents were obviously flawed or intimidating in their perfection. Whether or not we feel like a hero or a fraud. God embraces us.
Can’t we all admit to being a dumb-ass- at least once? Even so, nothing we can do will separate us from the abiding love of God.
