Laying Eyes On You

@joshuabedford

This past weekend our first year college student returned home for the first time in two months. He came home for a Sunday afternoon to celebrate my husband‘s birthday with the family. Within minutes of being in the house, my mother, who lives in our basement “cottage” came upstairs excitedly to greet her grandson. She hugged him, then stood back and immediately reported on his weight. “Have you lost weight? I think you’ve lost weight!” She sounded worried. Her eyes were scanning him, judging his dimensions and looking concerned. On cue, he turned away from her to rummage in the usual places for cookies, pretzels, and other snacks. He replied “No. I’m the same, I think,'“ and explained how he woke up in a rush to get to the metro and has not yet had breakfast. It’s 1:30 pm. My mom hovered and insisted he get some food, and quickly!

My mother’s mother, Verla, did the same thing. I would walk in the door and approach to hug her, and instantly she was laying eyes on me then wrapping her arms around me and feeling my increasing or decreasing girth. It must be some grandmotherly survival instinct- to lay eyes on her people and assess their health. My grandmother was as likely to tell me that I gained 10 pounds as she was to exclaim that I appeared to have lost weight. She did not just make weight pronouncements for her grandchildren. Verla would do the same for whatever friend was accompanying me. She was not known for her filter!

I’m considering how this shaped my attitude toward my weight while also seeking to understand the grandmotherly need it revealed. She is no longer here to respond to my guess about the needs this weight assessment was trying to meet in her life. I do know that she was born on a farm in Nebraska in 1920 and by the time she was a teenager the Dust Bowl and its accompanying hunger pushed her family to relocate in Whittier, California. Perhaps her need to assess our weight came from being hungry, and from visually assessing hunger in others. (I’m including a few photos of my grandmother in high school so you can lay eyes on her!)

According to the work of Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, “from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.” He goes on to list the basic human needs we all share—see below.

I suppose my grandmother, when laying eyes on me and the rest of her beloved family members, had a need for reassurance of our wellbeing and a need for closeness. Seeing us, she would perhaps feel more connected to us by engaging in a conversation about our weight, which was one of many outward signs to her indicating our health and well-being. If she had read Rosenberg’s book, she may have said upon seeing me: “I have a need to know you are well and thriving. Can you meet that need and tell me how you are doing?” Instead, she commented on weight.

September lunch with my son

Without daily interactions, I relied on tone of voice over the phone to provide cues about my new college student’s wellbeing for his first few weeks at school. Then I visited and laid eyes on him myself. As he walked across a parking lot toward me, I was scanning his appearance and studying his movements. He rushed towards me for a hug - which met my need for closeness. His hair had grown long and wild. His eyes reveal a lack of sleep. His grin and easy manner revealed contentment. He was clearly enjoying college. I may have asked several times during our lunch date: “Are you getting enough sleep?” I had an urge to feed him and feed him and feed him. Appetizers, entrees, ice cream: I’ve turned into a grandmother!

With all the pandemic shifting of gathering patterns, I miss laying eyes on people each Sunday at church. I have needs for interdependence and spiritual communion that worship in community has met throughout the years. All these different people of different ages and experiences coming together to focus on what is good and loving in our midst. All these faithful and authentic and doubting and honest folks seeking peace, inspiration, harmony and beauty. Children dancing to the communion hymn as another approaches the altar with tears of pain sliding down. Celebrating life and dreams fulfilled, celebrating losses and remembering loved ones. All those needs in one holy place.

Some Basic Needs We All Have (by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD; Center for Nonviolent Communication)

AUTONOMY

• Choosing dreams/goals/values

• Choosing plans for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values

CELEBRATION

• Celebrating the creation of life and dreams fulfilled

• Celebrating losses: loved ones, dreams, etc. (mourning)

INTEGRITY

• Authenticity

• Creativity

• Meaning

• Self-worth

INTERDEPENDENCE

• Acceptance

• Appreciation

• Closeness

• Community

• Consideration

• Contribution to the enrichment of life

• Emotional safety

• Empathy

• Honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations)

• Love

• Reassurance

• Respect

• Support

• Trust

• Understanding

PHYSICAL NURTURANCE

• Air

• Food

• Movement, exercise

• Protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals

• Rest

• Sexual expression

• Shelter

• Touch

• Water

PLAY

• Fun

• Laughter

SPIRITUAL COMMUNION

• Beauty

• Harmony

• Inspiration

• Order

• Peace