Marriage as a Good News Lifestyle
I met with a sweet young couple this week as they prepare for their wedding. It’s one of the best parts of my job- accompanying a couple as they make plans for their wedding and their married life together.
As we talked about designing the service, and the fun they are having as they design their new home together, I was reminded of my days at the Maryland Institute College of Art. Ellen Lupton, the Chair of the Graphic Design Department, once gave a talk for parents weekend about how everything is designed: toilet bowl brushes, chairs, bureaucratic forms, buildings, and dinner party seating assignments. Everything is designed to please us with its form or to be functional, although many items miss the mark on both and would be called “bad design.”
When it comes to marriage and family, we are wise to think of ourselves as designers. Our unique marriages deserve pleasing forms and functionality.
On Sunday I married another lovely young couple at an outdoor ceremony with 25 family members after a few COVID-19 rescheduling efforts. In this small and intimate setting, I sat for awhile with the bride’s grandparents who have been married for 62 years. They told me that they think marriage is harder for their grandchildren than it was for them because of women reworking outside the home. When I asked them to explain, the wife pointed out that they knew exactly what the expectations were for them: the husband would work and earn enough for the family, and the wife could work until they had children, then stay home. When the husband had a promotion that required moving far away, he said “yes” to the boss and went home to inform his wife that they were moving the family west.
I agree. The expectations now are all over the place. There is greater freedom to share roles traditionally assigned to a particular gender. And yet, with all this freedom comes a need to consciously design the marriage together. To communicate constantly and address unspoken expectations, or explore new ways of living a life that is pleasing in its form and functions smoothly.
I’ve noticed a lot of good design in my work with families:
A mud room with a chalkboard that has an uplifting word or saying for the family each week.
A couple who monthly has a business meeting to go over expenses, eyeball the budget, move funds where they are needed, and stay on track of long term goals like college savings or a special vacation.
Chore charts on clipboards.
A habit of greeting one another with a kiss, or a kind word every time someone enters the home.
Hallways displaying the ancestors in lovely frames so that children know a bit about where they came from, and might see something of the past cheering them on.
Weekly meal rituals like saying grace and lighting candles and going around the table to hear “roses, buds, thorns.”
An easily accessible drawer in the kitchen for kid plates, bowls and cups to encourage independence.
Saturday outdoor movie night with pizza where each child invites a friend.
Firewood ready for a spontaneous romantic evening by the fire.
Weekly date nights, annual grown-up getaway.
Flowers on the table in the entry, and pancakes on Sunday.
How we design our homes, schedules, families, and marriages shapes the lifestyle we live within each. And like this couple about to be married, we can always pause, look at our current design and tweak it for a more beautiful form and better function.
