Peace Making Communication
“The peace of the Lord be always with you. And also with you.”
Last night a friend and former Dominican brother shared with me that each Sunday evening in the Dominican monastery there would be time to acknowledge faults and nurture relationships among the brothers. This allowed them to truly experience peace as they extended The Peace to one another during Holy Eucharist.
At St. Andrew’s and St. Paul’s we use a song from Music That Makes Community called “Peace, Salaam, Shalom.” As music director Nichi gets this beautiful, repetitive song going, I look around with hope that the words singing their way out of our souls will take on flesh — like the Word of God became flesh in Jesus. I fill with hope that these words turn into flesh/reality in our daily lives, and move through us to extend beyond us, out into a world desperate for Peace, Salaam, Shalom.
In his tremendous gift of a book “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life,” Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph. D. offers a way for us to examine the words we use internally and externally as we interact in the world. The book cover reads: If ‘violent’ means acting in ways that result in hurt or harm, then much of how we communicate could indeed be called ‘violent’ communication. Empathy, collaboration, authenticity, freedom: words and the way we think matters. Find common ground with anyone, anywhere, at any time, both personally and professionally.
Throughout the book, I hear echoes of John’s poetic opening in the Gospel: “The Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father’s only son, full of grace and truth.” (John 1:14) The Word became flesh, meaning that the Word became a present reality we experience. Our words (spoken and unspoken within our minds/hearts) become the flesh, the expression, of our theology. Our words are powerful vessels of the grace and truth we know in Christ, bringing the transcendent presence of God into our lived experience. Unlearning violent ways of communication is an opportunity to bring into real experience the peace and growth of life in Christ — to bring about Peace, Salaam, Shalom.
Rosenberg teaches that we focus on what is wrong with another because we are unaware of the great freedom we have in identifying and naming our needs in a clear manner. As a result, there is all this violence in our interactions that can be eradicated to draw us into an open-hearted communal existence of the Word becoming flesh.
Throughout the book, Rosenberg’s experiences with families and groups in conflict are offered as useful case studies for how we, individually and as community, can bring into reality the grace and truth of our theology rather than passing on the violent ways we were taught. It’s more than learning a new way to express ourselves — it requires me to sacrifice the secretly satisfying snarky comment in my head for peace that comes from a deeper awareness of my behavior, feelings, needs and ways to enrich life through meeting needs — my own and the needs of others, when I am invited to do so.
The basic four steps to interacting in a more whole-hearted and peacemaking way include:
1. observe without evaluation;
2. express feelings to connect with others in vulnerable and clear ways;
3. responsibly acknowledge the needs underlying the feelings; and,
4. request what is needed from another in order to meet the needs and enrich life.
Each of these steps is carefully explored and gently offered by one who spent his life practicing peace. After scribbling all over the first few chapters, I designated a fresh journal to sorting through the steps listed above.
This book has brought much grace and truth into my own life. Knowing how this resource has affected my relationships and ministry, I would urge all peace-makers to learn and practice this methodology. Rosenberg’s methodology strengthens inner and interpersonal life, provides concrete actions for healthier interactions, and manifests the peace and freedom we long for in the Word made flesh who is still now dwelling among us.
Read it to engage peace in your own heart.
Read it to share peace in your relationships.
Read it to sneak some peace into your workplace.
Read it to be a part of the Jesus movement of liberating lives from violence, to fly alongside the Holy Spirit as she breathes peace and wisdom over us and between us and through us.
Peace. Salaam. Shalom.
A few quotes:
“Believing that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner, I have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions: What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?” Page 1.
“In studying the question of what alienates us from our natural state of compassion, I have identified specific forms of language and communication that I believe contribute to our behaving violently toward each other and ourselves. I use the term life-alienating communication to refer to these forms of communication…” (These include moralistic judgements, distinguished from value judgements; comparative thinking; denial of responsibility; and, explicit and implicit demands on others.) Pages 15-24.
“Most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs. We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when are needs aren’y being fulfilled.” Page 53.
“It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.” Page 54.
“In our development toward a state of emotional liberation, most of us experiences three stages in the way we relate to others….emotional slavery stage, obnoxious stage, emotional liberation stage…. At the … emotional liberation [stage], we respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame. Our actions are therefore fulfilling to us, as well as to those who receive our efforts… Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled.” Pages 57-60.
“Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. The Chinese philosopher Chuang-Tzu stated that true empathy requires listening with the whole being: ‘The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. [Yet] the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with the ear or understand with the mind.’ … In NVC [Non-Violent Communication], no matter what words people use to express themselves, we listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests.” Pages 91-94.
“The more we practice this way, the more we realize a simple truth: behind all those messages we’ve allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being. When we receive messages with this awareness, we never feel dehumanized by what others have to say to us.” Pages 99-100.
“When critical self-concepts prevent us from seeing the beauty in ourselves, we lose connection with the divine energy that is our source. Conditioned to view ourselves as objects —objects full of shortcomings — is it any wonder that many of us end up relating violently to ourselves?” Page 130.
“Many years ago I began to engage in an activity which significantly enlarged the pool of joy and happiness available to my life, while diminishing depression, guilt, and shame. I offer it here as a possible way to deepen our compassion for ourselves, to help us live our lives out of joyous play by staying grounded in a clear awareness of the life-enriching need behind everything we do… translating “Have to” to “Choose to”…” Page 136.
“I see all anger as a result of life-alienating , violence-provoking thinking. At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled. Thus anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up — to realize we have a need that isn’t being met and that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met. To fully express anger requires full consciousness of our need. In addition, energy is required to get the need met. Anger, however, co-opts our energy by directing it toward punishing people rather than meeting our needs.” Page 144.
“I’ve learned that I enjoy human beings more if I don’t hear what they think. Especially with folks who have [judgmental, accusatory] thoughts. I’ve learned to savor life much more by only hearing what’s going on in their hearts and not getting caught up with the stuff in their heads.” Page 151.
“People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault.” Page 152.
“When I’m asked to resolve a conflict, I work to lead the two sides to this caring and respectful connection. This is often the tough part. Once that is accomplished, I help both sides create strategies that will resolve the conflict to both sides’ satisfaction.” Page 162.
