From Win-Lose to Living the Win-Win Dream

Growing up in Southern California, there were a lot of piñatas at parties. Which means there was frequently a display of life or death scrambling for candy - even as a blindfolded kid continued to swing the stick around, we children would brave that swinging bat as candy pelted us from above. We scrambled and elbowed and dove for pieces of mediocre candy- the cheapest candy that parents could buy!- which had a special brand of wrapper that was impossible to remove. Pigtails may have been pulled.

A piñata is a win-lose game. Although every child might get some candy, at the end of the scramble, one kid is usually sitting in the center of the grass with his t-shirt pulled out, showing off all the candy he amassed. Another kid is looking for her mom, or a tree to hide behind, as she cries. There are candy winners, and there are candy losers. There is a finite number of candy pieces- and a whole lot of fear that someone else will get it all.

Unsplash image by @wyron

Our piñata instincts, that impulse in us to grab what we can for ourselves and shove aside others, make it difficult for us to learn a different way to be in the world.

When Jesus walked among us in the Gospel times, Jesus taught us a different way. A way to break free of the win-lose game. Jesus taught us to walk humbly and gently among one another, calling out the win-lose games that were going on around him, working to heal and reconcile to include those who were left crying behind trees or trampled in the win-lose scramble. Jesus challenged the instinct to turn everything into a win-lose game.

He tells the disciples that the road ahead will be a most dreadful win-lose game for power, that some will be so fearful of his growing spiritual power to heal and reconcile that they will betray him and kill him. Then he says some incomprehensible thing about being raised again after three days. They become afraid. Afraid of losing. Losing Jesus, yes. Losing their own increasing social power as his disciples, yes. Losing their lives, even. So they do just what we might do if we were afraid, they start to argue.

When there is a conflict that is too hard to understand, too hard to face, too hard to grasp and openly discuss - when we cannot directly and openly communicate about something that scares us, we also turn to arguing. Or blaming, or whatever unproductive behavior distracts us from what really fills us with dread.

Jesus came to wake us up from these win-lose behaviors. To point out to us that there is a better way - there is God’s way, a way of bringing about the dream of God for God’s people that is a win-win dream, not a win-lose game.

When we find ourselves scrambling to win so that another will lose, when we find ourselves pushing and shoving and diving to get where all the good stuff is landing, we become lost to the freedom, peace, and joy that Jesus dreams of for us.

A freedom from violently elbowing our way to the top.

A peace that comes from trusting that there is enough for all of God’s people to share.

A joy in being in relationship with one another, with love and honesty, and learning how to live out the truth that in Jesus everyone wins.

Once upon a time, a man approached a spiritual guru and said:

I want to be reconciled to my sister. We have not talked for many years.

The guru asked: why haven’t you talked?

The man answered: Because we had an argument, and she was pig-headed. I won the argument, and she stormed off.

The guru asked: Are you ready for her to win now, also?

The man replied: Absolutely not. She was pig-headed and wrong.

The guru replied: Then you are not ready to reconcile yet.

Wherever we want to be reconciled to another person, we must be willing to see the other win in a way which means that we also win. We cannot reconcile if we are trying to win in a way that prevents the other from winning. As Christians, we must have some imagination! The imagination to dream of win-win outcomes!

We may outwardly say that we wish to be reconciled and at peace, yet we continue to scramble and be worried about whether or not we will have enough. We keep diving in to our own detriment. We keep getting our pigtails pulled and hands stepped on. We emerge time and time again with things that leave us disappointed, so we go harder the next time, looking for the better stuff, believing that if we fight harder and get more we will be happy for real.

Again and again, Jesus sits down the disciples to explain a better way. And Jesus sits us down to explain that there is a better way for us still, a way that leads to the freedom, peace, and joy our spirits long to know. And because we are so programmed to play the win-lose scramble way, Jesus offered us a strategy to unlearn it. Jesus calls us to serve. Service is the strategy. When you are in conflict with someone, find a way to serve them. Serve them until your heart softens and you can welcome them, as Jesus welcomed a child. The strategy of service moves us away from winners and losers, and slowly we see one another as broken- yes, and also beloved children of God.

Years ago, I had two colleagues at a college who were both deans. They were in perpetual conflict with one another. For years these two ambitious and competent department heads undercut and undermined each other, competed for the same budget resources and competed for the approval of the college president.

Then a student was hit by a car and the hospital called both of these deans, trying to find someone to come to the hospital and help contact the parents. Both deans showed up, and they took turns staying with the student, speaking to doctors and the parents who were coming from some distance. Throughout the next two days they brought each other coffee and meals from the cafeteria, they took turns in the comfy seat. When the student was asleep, they talked quietly outside of the room with one another about other times they’d been at the hospital. They held hands, they prayed silently together for the student. Once the parents arrived, they supported the family. They made hotel arrangements for them and brought them food to eat. Thanks be to God, the student recovered from the accident. And these two deans became the closest of colleagues and friends to this very day.

Serving one another is a way to toss that old scramble out and replace it with hearts hospitable to the love that really matters at the end of the day. The love that matters at hospital bedsides. Service replaces the life or death scramble with the life or death realization that this life is too precious to waste on vying for power and knocking one another down. This life is too precious and too short to miss out on any measure freedom, peace, and joy.

Serving does not require that we sign up to do more. Serving is a mindset for how we do what we already are committed to doing. We serve by loving instead of competing. Service is how Christians live. And, service is how Christians lead others into the dream of God. The dream of God in which we all win— all win that freedom, peace, and joy that Jesus offers.