Embracing the Future Together, Part One
Embracing the Future Together: a truth-filled story of moving my parents cross country and into our home (part one), considerations that may help you in your potential transition (part two), and some resources (part three).
Are you thinking about moving in with your parents, or having your parents move in with you and your family? We have made this transition, and I’m glad to share it with anyone who is pondering such a transition in your own family. I’m posting this before it is technically finished and ready, so that anyone who wants to learn alongside our experience is able to access this. Check back for updates and other enhancements.
I’ve organized this post into three parts:
The story of our transition experience, and
The considerations I offer to you from our experiences.
I’m also throwing in some resources you may want to investigate.
The story includes characters, setting, and the timeline in five stages:
1. finding a place,
2. renovating the basement,
3. moving,
4. living in limbo, and,
5. moving in, and forward.
The considerations are loosely organized in a conversational way into topics, as though I’m talking to a trusted friend who is asking me some nitty gritty questions. The topics include:
Relationship dynamics
Power dynamics
Financial considerations
The other grandparents
Finding teen-friendly space
Privacy
Independence
Communication
Sharing workload, chores, cars
Health considerations
Smoking, cursing, alcohol, political wackiness & other bad parent behavior
Physical labor & caregiving
Emotional labor
Down sizing and logistics tips
Staying married
Fantasy and reality
Wherever you are in life, whoever you might be, this is shared for you to chew on as you approach this transition in your own life. If you are someone in your late forties with teens still at home, I bet this content will be relatable. If you are in my parents’ generation and considering how to move in with your kids, this perspective may raise some considerations that they have not said out loud. Use our experience as a diving board for a dunk in the deep end. Or, if you aren’t a very good swimmer, use our experience as a way to put your toe carefully in the water.
Here is our story.
Ready, set, dive in!
The characters
Nana, Papa, me, my husband Dave, and our two teen agers (17 year old son, 14 year old daughter).
The setting
Nana & Papa live in a two-story, two bedroom home in a small town in the mountains of Arizona, where they moved 18 years ago to escape the Southern California rat race.
Our family lives in a large brick colonial on 3.5 acres in Howard County, Maryland. We’ve been in this house for 12 years, and my husband and I are California natives who moved East for school, then stayed for jobs.
The timeline
FINDING A PLACE
2016- Papa had a stroke. His mobility and cognitive abilities gradually decline.
May 2019- Dave and I flew to Arizona for Nana’s birthday. We did several “honey-do’s” around the house because taking care of the house was getting to be more of a challenge for Nana. Papa was unable to help with any household tasks.
January 2020- Dave’s aunt comes to visit from upstate New York in the hope of finding a place closer to family after her husband has died. I take her to look at several properties, and share all of the findings with Nana over the phone.
April 2020- Nana and Papa are supposed to spend a month in Maryland while Dave and I go on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. We had plans to check out a few of the retirement properties with them after we returned from the pilgrimage. Due to COVID-19, all of these plans were waylaid.
May 2020- My mother-in-law comes over for Mother’s day. We have not seen her for months. We negotiate a way we feel comfortable embracing one another, outside, masks on, faces away from each other. As I feel her arms around me, I start to cry. I miss my mom. I miss everyone.
July 2020- Nana tells me about her diagnosis of macular degeneration. For a woman who is always “healthy as a horse,” this is hard for her to admit. Her voice over the phone reveals sadness, frustration, and fear. She admits that she shouldn’t be driving, and that she only drives during the daytime. We agree that it is time to consider moving them to Maryland.
August 2020- I talk to the marketing office at a lovely retirement community where my mother-in-law and several church friends live. Its 25 minutes from our house, full of nice people, lovely cottages, dinner every night, activities, an on-site health center —and it is way beyond our price range. This option is ruled out.
Dave and I visit a retirement apartment complex that is a scant 4 miles away from our home. It is brand new and fits their budget. Unfortunately, the apartment has no balcony or walk out for the ground floor, and Nana is claustrophobic. We rule this option out.
RENOVATING THE BASEMENT
September 2020- we invite a trusted friend/builder over and run a few construction ideas by him. Given the wait time on permits for new construction in our county, and the high cost of building a separate structure on the property, we decide to renovate the basement, which already has a bathroom. We take the builder’s suggestion for an architect, and meet with him to discuss renovation goals. We routinely relay drawings and conversations to Nana, who offers her input.
October 2020- The renovation work begins in earnest. Nana and I discuss flooring, finishes, and her needs for the renovated space. Light is really important given her vision issues. We upgrade to more radiant heat in the floors to be sure Nana and Papa stay cozy in winter. Meanwhile, Nana has been receiving shots each month for macular degeneration, and one eye is showing improvement.
Demolition and renovations continue as mechanical systems are refreshed or installed, new walls go up to define spaces, and existing elements are improved and replaced. Paint colors are selected and approved by Nana.
MOVING
January 4, 2021- I took a month off from work. I had accrued much unused leave during the pandemic which helped. I fly to Arizona, rent a minivan, and pick up boxes and other moving supplies using contactless pick up at Home Depot on my way to their house.
January 5, 2021- Mr. Car Shipper picks up Nana’s car and transports it to Maryland. We highly recommend this company. They were outstanding.
January 6, 2021- A 28 -foot ABF trailer lands in their driveway by U-PACK. This was thousands of dollars cheaper than a full service moving company and required on the ground logistics coordination.
January 7, 2021- Two local movers arrive to load the trailer. Nana and her many friends had packed up most of what was moving. Nana and I packed a little more. Nana had sold many items and had given things to people who could use them, including frozen turkeys to a local shelter.
January 8-10, 2021- Nana’s sister and her son arrive from California to see us before the big move east. Everything is packed and in the trailer. Papa sleeps in a recliner that is not being moved to Maryland, and Nana and I sleep on two surprising comfortable twin air mattresses we bought using WalMart’s contactless pick up.
January 10, 2021 - We pack our suitcases. We give away anything else that’s left.
January 11, 2021- We hear from the realtor that all the real estate closing details are complete and the house is sold. The trailer is picked up. We return cable box and drive to Phoenix to stay overnight near the airport. College friend Ann visits me at the hotel, and helps me understand how big this transition is. She brings me an IPA, and we toast friendship, aging parents, and new adventures. This visit with her bolsters me for the next day.
January 12, 2021- We fly to Maryland on Southwest. It’s a direct flight, about 4 hours long. Nana sits alone in a row in front of us, and Papa and I sit together. When he gets fidgety, I bring back my old skills from the days of long flights with my children. We work through pages of crossword puzzles, watch the first episode of The Crown on my iPad, and have a brief listen to an audiobook. He does not like AirPods.
LIVING IN LIMBO
January 12-26, 2021 - We attempt to quarantine from Dave and the kids. Accommodations are the guest room upstairs (Nana) and front room recliner (Papa) until last touches are complete in basement and furniture arrives. The teenagers hole up in their rooms.
January 27, 2021- The cottage level (basement apartment) is ready for occupancy!
MOVING IN, AND FORWARD
January 22, 2021- The trailer is dropped off in Maryland.
January 23, 2021- The trailer is unloaded into the cottage by three movers we hired in 2 hours.
January 28, 2021- Nana and Papa get their first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine!
February 10, 2021- Nana starts eye treatments in Maryland.
February 14, 2021- Nana is all unpacked, most of the artwork is on the walls.
February 16, 2021- Nana drives to Safeway grocery store by herself for the first time.
Watch for Part Two tomorrow: The considerations I offer to you from our experiences, including why we are breaking our no-tv-in-the-bedroom rule.
