Embracing the Future Together, Part Two

Here are a few considerations based on our experiences of this transition:

RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS

Do you like your parents (or in-laws) enough to do this? I’m sure you love them- do you also like them?When I told a group of colleagues over zoom that my parents were moving into our home, one colleague held her hand up to her head and mimicked blowing her brains out. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that if that’s a first reaction, think hard about living in the same home.

For many families around the world this is a culturally normative transition. Aging parents live with their children and grandchildren, and that’s the only option. For many successful professionals, moving Nana and Papa into the house is a horror. It’s hard enough to work and raise kids and get to pilates without worrying if your mom is going to push your emotional buttons before an important client meeting. If you are in a place where you can communicate openly with your parents, or if all parties are willing to openly communicate, this can be a life-giving transition.

Your relationship dynamics with your parents are a very important consideration, as well as the particular dynamics between other members of the household with your parents. 

A few years back, our godson moved in with us for several months. Before he moved in, I wondered if his presence could negatively affect our family relationships. I’m glad I only wasted 5 minutes on that worry, because having him in our home was delightful. I was sad when he moved back to California, and I wasn’t the only one! I hope that my kids learned that family is a permeable and constructed notion, and that our home is welcoming and ready for others. Family is something that is made and tended and generous.

POWER DYNAMICS

FINANCIAL CONSIDERATIONS

THE OTHER GRANDPARENTS

TEEN-FRIENDLY SPACE 

The kids gave up their hangout space in the basement when their grandparents moved in. Dave and I discussed how to compensate for this by offering our home to the kids and their entertaining needs (once that’s possible post-pandemic). We shifted around some furniture and made the first floor more welcoming for teen agers. It’s not the sloppy second-hand furniture they knew and loved in the basement, but it is re-positioned for them to enjoy with friends in easier ways.

It’s important to me that our house be welcoming for our kids and their friends. We’ve told the kids that they can have the whole first floor when they want to host a gathering. And we will either hang out in the basement with my parents, or hide out in our room, which requires some attention to become more inviting. We have a rule about never putting a tv in our bedroom. We believe its bad for sleep, and more importantly, for your sex life! However, we have new ideas about putting a tv in our room. We are fortunate that our master bedroom is large enough to create a small mini-den, where we can put two cozy chairs or a loveseat and a tv so that the kids downstairs won’t even know that the parents are at home.

I have to remind myself that while the kids are used to having a separate floor to themselves, we didn’t have basements in California. Kids hung out on the patio, around a pool, in the garage, in the living room or den. And where were the parents? If we were lucky, away for the weekend! Most of the time, parents hid in bedrooms or garages or yards, I think. 

PRIVACY

INDEPENDENCE

COMMUNICATION

SHARING WORKLOAD, CHORES, CARS

HEALTH CONSIDERATIONS

SMOKING, CURSING, ALCOHOL, political wackiness & OTHER BAD PARENT BEHAVIORS

What if they are blatantly racist or homophobic?

PHYSICAL LABOR & CAREGIVING

EMOTIONAL LABOR

THE MOVE- DOWNSIZING, LOGISTICS

STAYING MARRIED

FANTASY & REALITY

Get a therapist

Plan a date night

Let them help

Remind myself I’ve been helping with my in laws, its okay for my husband to help with his

Ask for help from far away siblings - financial, etc.

One awareness that comes to me periodically is how blessed I am to still have my mother. I think of my friends who have lost their mothers, and realize that this is an honor. A friend at church, Gill, who along with his wife have taken care of his mother until she died and are now caring for her father, said to me more than once: “caring for our parents is an honor.”

Younger kids- Watching Quinn sit with her grandparents on zoom in early pandemic

Parents mobility and energy, physical shape and energy

Include insights from - Susan, Katie, Cooper, Gill