From my mentors: intergenerational household lifestyles
Image by Ekaterina Shakharova on Unsplash @minigirl
It’s such a gift to be in a faith community with babies and teen agers and peers and elders.
Last night, Navajo storyteller Sunny Dooley shared a beautiful story with us over zoom. She spoke openly about her joy during pandemic at the quietude- no planes flying over her home, less cars driving about. She was drawn into the movements of the lizards and the birds and the insects around her. She also spoke openly of the tragic loss of the elders, the ones who mentor the younger generations, due to COVID-19. Her community has lost 60 people in the pandemic, and she grieves the loss of wisdom.
In our faith community, we are blessed with generations at different stages of life’s journey. Sunny told us that people from ages 24-48 know what they need to know to live. People who are 48 and older must look to mentor others. People 82 and older begin to divest themselves of belongings.
At St. Andrew’s, I have known several models of an intergenerational lifestyle. There are a few households that added on to their home to make space for grandparents to move in. There are households that took an elderly parent into their guest bedroom on the first floor. I did not realize that my exposure to their choices, their lifestyles, was shaping me for intergenerational living in my home and family.
I asked some of these friends from church to share their experiences with me as I considered how to navigate our own intergenerational lifestyle. I was seeking to learn if it was good for teen agers, if it was good for adult children. I already knew how good it was for the grandparents— as their pastor, I watched them thrive in the care of their family members.
These friends have mentored me and prepared me for this life I’m living, and I am grateful: Cooper & his family, Katie & her family, Paul & Susan & their family, Gil & Janet & their family. Thank you.
From Cooper, a twenty-something in a Ph.D. program, the youngest of five children. His grandparents, lovely people now of blessed memory, lived in an addition to their home:
“By having both our parents and grandparents in the same household, we learned how to respect people in a unique way. For instance, there was always an interesting dynamic, in which by having my mom’s parents around, she had a clear idea of how she would want her kids to speak to/treat her, which was then reflected in how she spoke to/treated her own parents…it made an even playing field in terms of simply respecting everyone as their own individual versus as a ‘kid’ or an ‘adult’, which then translates over into how I believe we treat others outside of the household. Other than that, it was also always nice to have people to play checkers or monopoly with :)”
I have traveled with Cooper and two of his siblings on ministry trips, and have always marveled at the way they respect people and jump in to help with tasks big or small. They grew up with manners and values transmitted from their grandparents and their parents, hard-working people who are dedicated to their family.
Image by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash @priscilladupreez
From Katie, who is thirty and remarkable in many ways and about to finish up seminary. Her grandfather has died, and now her grandmother, Mimi, (a renown baker of pie and pound cake!) continues to live in an addition to their home:
“There were several blessings in having my grandparents around. The first is that I saw them more, and they were really involved in my life. They did a lot of childcare when Michael and I were younger, so my friends got to know them well, too. My every-day memories from middle and high school include seeing them after school, having dinner, watching Jeopardy, doing my homework at their table.
“I heard a lot about their lives, and I'm sure I know them better because of it - all of their quirks and flaws. There was always someone around to talk to. It was great that I had other people to confide in outside of my parents. Especially Mimi - she was my go-to for problem-solving. I saw my extended family members more because they would come to visit my grandparents.
“It was/is a difficult and unique blessing to be around at the end of life. I learned a lot helping to take care of Poppop, and it was a privilege to be a part of such a precious time for my family. The joy was having them woven into what ‘normal’ life looked like for so many years.”
From Paul & Susan, a couple that is twenty plus years older than me, who I have known for almost twenty years, sold their beautiful home with its well-cared-for gardens and moved into a garage renovation addition in their children’s home. Paul and Susan have been inspiring mentors to us as we considered moving my parents into our home. During the pandemic, we have all enjoyed the barking dog in the background or cat sauntering by someone’s screen— with Paul and Susan, I’ve enjoyed when their youngest grandchild pops into the frame to ask them a question or peer at the screen to see what they are doing.
Susan describes that the best part of this intergenerational lifestyle “is the casualness of the relationship. I miss that with Sara, our daughter in another state. When we live at a distance and get together with Sara, we have to pack so much into a short time. Living together with David and his wife and three children, we can casually be a part of each other’s lives. When any of them pop over we connect casually— a quick ‘hello, how’s it going?’ means a lot.”
Susan shares a few funny aspects of their intergenerational lifestyle:
“I have a small pile of mending to do for Quinn, our youngest grandchild here. She regularly brings me things to fix.
“We are a second kitchen panty because we always have ketchup, orange juice, flour and dark chocolate. Quinn told us we need to buy a larger bottle of ketchup….we have no idea how they go through it so fast and it’s clearly an important staple in their diets.
“The best times are the nights when Max & Quinn want a sleep over in our guest bedroom. I get to check on them when we go up to bed and see them sleeping peacefully…my heart melts.
Susan continues: “Top of the list is being part of the grandchildren growing up on a day to day basis, especially during this time of pandemic isolation. This last year would have been so much worse if we were isolated in our home —just the two of us. Our daughter-in-law did lots of pandemic shopping for us when we were first isolated. That was critical to adjusting to a scary time as well all learned how to live with this mess.
“Paul gets to spend time working in a garden that he loves, rather than putting all that time, effort and money into a garden we would be leaving when we eventually moved. Plus, he gets to share his garden with the grandchildren, teaching them about something that he loves and knows so much about. Imagine the memories they will have when they are grown and we aren’t around anymore.
“Living with our son and his family gives us security that if a real medical emergency happens, we are here to help each other. We had a fall, and our son came to the rescue! Another time, our son stayed in our guest room when his family had the flu. That allowed him to stay healthy and run their family business.”
Her husband Paul took a break from getting his garden ready for spring to add:
“The best part of intergenerational living is the companionship and energy level. By being in a three generation home, I have regular contact with our son and daughter-in-law, and even more frequent interaction with our two youngest grandchildren. I have enjoyed seeing our oldest grandchild, who is 16, develop her personal interest and passion for all things horses and animals. Quinn is our most frequent visitor and provides us information to keep us up to date about what is going on with others in the house… Our grandson Max and I have similar interests and hobbies, which is a great joy for me. Relationships with our grandchildren give my life a lot of energy and insights into what various generations are going through. Plus it provides an activity level far above what we would have in any other living arrangement we would have at this point in our lives.”
Image by David Clode on Unsplash @davidclode
From Gill, who along with his wife, Janet, were trusted mentors along this journey of caring for aging parents. I have watched them welcome Janet’s father, Bill, into their home when his cognitive and physical decline required it. I distinctly remember the words Gill used to describe this transition in their home:
“It is an honor to care for our parents. We brought my mother into our home and cared for her until she died. Now we will care for Bill. It is an honor.”
I heard him say these words years before I considered moving my parents into our home. I circled back to Gill & Janet at several points for practical advice and doctor recommendations, since Bill has a similar eye issue as my mom.
Gill offered the following suggestion recently:
”...just persevere. Pray. Ask for God's grace for all of you in your new situation.”
Amen.
