The Thanksgiving Conversation

First things first, I’ve got to have clarity about my own desires about Thanksgiving Dinner and seeing family during a public health crisis with spiking statistics. Some of the questions rattling around in my head and heart include…

• Do I believe that I can maintain my personal health and safety while inviting someone from outside of my household into my home for a meal?

• Will I make myself sick with worry if elderly people that we love dearly come for Thanksgiving Dinner?

• How am I in control (or not in control) of reducing harm around COVID-19 exposure before, during, and after a family gathering?

• How am I in control (or not in control) of reducing harm around isolation, depression, anxiety and other risks that I associate with being home alone on a holiday?

• What if my husband and I disagree on any of these points?

• What if my teenagers have different ideas about their health and safety than I/we do?

It’s easy to talk with my husband and children about these questions. Over the ten months of this pandemic we have discussed, learned, and negotiated aspects of COVID-19 harm reduction and created our own strategies to mitigate our risk. Thanksgiving Dinner, which in Maryland needs to be INDOORS, is a a whole different matter. Easter was a no-brainer - no family for dinner. But back then, we thought this pandemic would be over by Thanksgiving!

Pre-COVID pandemic, our Thanksgiving Dinner policy was “the more, the merrier!”

Ah, the good old days. Two turkeys, a prime rib roast, delicious sides made by friends and family. Folding chairs and piano bench and upstairs desk chairs rallied for our guests.I’ve got to stop reminiscing before I cry on my MacBook and ruin the keyboard..

This touchy family conversation topic is coming up multiple times a day on the phone and in zoom meetings and in the news. Friends are: annoyed with a rigid relative, saddened by grandparents that canceled, ecstatic to avoid their usual unpleasant family meal where loud political yelling reigns, nervous about upsetting a friend who has no where else to go.

Annoyed.

Saddened.

Ecstatic.

Nervous.

That’s a whole lot of emotion. It’s not new emotion, right? It’s a combo of the usual family-of-origin angst plus the pent-up frustration of 2020 plus the urgency to come up with a plan for NEXT WEEK.

As my amazing therapist tells me, when we fail to communicate directly about our needs and desires, we experience conflict, triangulation, and all the other problems that family systems experts warn against.

Perhaps you are new to “family systems.” It’s a common phrase among clergy, and most of us clergy refer back to Rabbi Ed Friedman’s work on the topic in our own practice of ministry, especially in his books Failure of Nerve and Generation to Generation. Here’s a cool little video by Dr. Jonathan Camp to give you a quick understanding of family systems that might be useful as you strategize about your upcoming Thanksgiving Dinner conversation.

Family Systems Theory, created by Murray Bowen, focuses “on patterns that develop in families in order to defuse anxiety. A key generator of anxiety in families is the perception of either too much closeness or too great a distance in a relationship. The degree of anxiety in any one family will be determined by the current levels of external stress and the sensitivities to particular themes that have been transmitted down the generations. If family members do not have the capacity to think through their responses to relationship dilemmas, but rather react anxiously to perceived emotional demands, a state of chronic anxiety or reactivity may be set in place.

“The main goal of Bowenian therapy is to reduce chronic anxiety by

1. facilitating awareness of how the emotional system functions; and

2. increasing levels of differentiation, where the focus is on making changes for the self rather than on trying to change others.”

Thanksgiving Dinner is a relationship dilemma, and I’m hoping I still have some capacity left to think through my response rather than react anxiously. I share this Family Systems content in the hope that it will help at least one dear reader navigate the conversation ahead of them, in addition to reminding myself of the underlying emotions communicating among us.

For 2020 holiday meals, “the more, the merrier” also may include “and the deadlier.”

None of the options are merry.

Looking for a little Good News? We have the capacity, most of the time, to think carefully through it all. To talk about it with a disinterested friend and map the options out, strategize about how to communicate our decisions with care, clarity, and wisdom. We have the capacity to remain emotionally well, regardless of how big or small our Thanksgiving Dinner gathering will be.

I’m just now remembering that we were not home for Thanksgiving last year. We took a trip to Athens and instead of a turkey dinner with family, we took a Greek cooking class with some really cool strangers. Maybe this year we’ll roast some lamb and whip up some tzatziki. Suddenly, I feel a little more free to be creative.

Prayers and good vibes to us all, friends. This is a hard time, with hard decisions and hard conversations. May all of your conversations be clear and open, at least on the side that you have control over.

(And please share your creative Thanksgiving Dinner workarounds with us in the comments!)

More reading on the topic which I have found to be useful:

“Cancel Thanksgiving” from The Atlantic

“Safety Turducken” by Emily Oster

Addendum:

In a time of theological reflection with wonderful colleagues this morning, the following were offered as titles for Thanksgiving 2020:

In All Things, Give Thanks… like fewer dishes, more leftovers, no argumentative uncles (Carol)

Thanksgiving 2020 is an overcooked Tofurkey with unsalted gravy. (Scott)

Under the circumstances, perhaps Ben Franklin was correct… our national bird should have been the turkey. (Matt)

“I learned to love the thing that I most wished had not happened.” - Stephen Colbert, referencing his experience of grief in an interview with Anderson Cooper (Carrie)

Now thank (me) all our God… (Dina)

Thanksgiving 2020: At least green bean casserole tastes better over zoom! (Grey)

Over the river and through the woods… oops (Susan)

Thanksgiving 2020: Taking it to the Streets! (Barbara)

Got one to share? Add your title for Thanksgiving 2020 to the comments below…..

Thanksgiving 2019: Dave squeezing the moisture out of spinach for spanikopita in Athens.