Jesus doesn’t know how to drive

“Jesus take the wheel!” goes some country song.

Are you kidding? Don’t you know Jesus walked everywhere? Once in awhile he traveled by boat or donkey.

Jesus doesn’t know how to drive.

But you (probably) do.

(Side tangent for the comments…. if Jesus could drive, what kind of car would he have?)

You know how to drive. That’s your job when you are in the driver’s seat. You buckle up and you drive safely, caring for yourself, your vehicle, your passengers, the other cars and their people, roadside workers. You monitor gauges and naturally listen for sounds that indicate danger or malfunction. Your eyes effortlessly scan multiple data points — mirrors, road, speedometer, clock.

Once in awhile, there is an accident, a freak storm, or a road closure. In that moment you might pull over to consider your options before detouring, or waiting it out on the shoulder. You might call someone who knows the area who can guide you to safety.

When your car breaks down (as mine did last week!), you safely pull over and call roadside assistance. The tow truck comes and the car goes in for expert attention.

In his article in Forbes magazine, former Navy Seal Brent Gleeson posits that there are 13 habits to develop mental toughness, which I think may be a lot like a spiritual reservoir of strength and resilience. I’m working through a spiritual exploration of all 13, in an effort to shore up my mental toughness/resilience as the COVID numbers continue to frighten me and impede life-as-usual. (Let me know in the comments if you are intentionally doing something to build your own resilience during this time. I welcome your ideas!)

The third habit that Gleeson offers is, in his words:

“3 - Focus on what is in their control: Resilient people spend their time and energy focusing on situations and events that they have control over. And because they put their efforts where they can have the most impact, they feel empowered and confident.”

Staying with the car metaphor, focus on your vehicle, your driving. You cannot control the 18 wheeler racing around you — you can get out of its way. You cannot control the deer running into the road — you can go slow enough to brake safely. You cannot prevent the heavens from opening up and causing flash floods — you can choose the long way around the creek bed, or park and wait on higher ground.

A part of the Christian faith life is getting clear about our behavior and its consequences, our agency and the freedom to use it for good.

As Dr. Edith Eva Eger teaches in her book “The Choice,” we can be free to hope even when we are in prison, and we can be in prison even when we are free. We create prisons of fear, and we can ignore the incredible power we have to control our perspective on what is happening around us.

Here’s a real life scenario - in fact, it’s happening in my real life, right now:

My parents are 85 and 78, and one has cognitive decline and the other macular degeneration. They live in Arizona, and I live in Maryland. I do not think it is safe for them to live in a house without some support, or to drive. I’m not sure they are getting the best medical care for their situations.

What’s in my control?

I can offer to have them move closer to me, or I can move closer to them. I can suggest they move into a retirement community with various levels of care. I can suggest that another family member take responsibility for their care.

I cannot MAKE them do anything. I can offer and suggest, and await their decisions.

Thankfully, we have a great relationship and over many conversations in the late summer and early fall, they decided to remodel our basement and move into it. They put their house on the market. They are deciding what to bring, what to give away or sell.

It’s nice when my mom calls and asks me if I want something before she gives it away. Yes, I want the old icebox you found in the barn at the dairy in Chino and rebuilt piece by piece. No, I do not want your big jewelry chest.

Life is so much simpler when we know who is in control and do not need to fight for it. That’s the value of military rank in battle. You know who is controlling the action, and you can take or give orders accordingly.

Most of us waste our time knowing what we would do if were so-and-so. Most of us waste our time talking about how something outside our sphere of control would be so much better if we were in control of it.

Let’s stop wasting our time. It’s just too precious for wasting on unproductive battles for control.

My parents can decide what to pack and what to leave behind. It is their property and in their control. I am in control of the remodeling work, although they are in control of the price points. As they age, I may gain more control of their financial matters, if that is useful and desirable to them.

In my household, I have a lot of control over what we eat, how we take care of our home, and where we travel on vacation. I expect my children to have control over their academic and extra curricular pursuits, friendships, care of their health/hygiene, and exercise. I sometimes (maybe often!) have the urge to nag or direct them toward something I think would be terrific for them, and when they don’t go for it, I have to consciously set it aside. I have to acknowledge it is outside of my sphere of control, and it should be if they are going to grow into adulthood well. I do not ultimately help them if I do too much to push and control.

In my line of work, doing too much is often called overfunctioning, and it can lead to burnout, resentment, and stunted growth in those around me. Rabbi Ed Friedman taught clergy about overfunctioning: persistently taking on more responsibility than is genuinely yours.Friedman wrote:

“Stress comes less from overwork than from taking responsibility for the problems of others.”

According to Margaret Marcuson, the ways to stop doing this includes lowering our standards and feeling a little guilty. The payoff? Others step up to meet the needs, and the organization grows healthier and stronger

Gleeson’s #3 characteristic of mentally tough people rings true in my experience of the spiritual life. People who trust others to do the work they are responsible to do, and then focus on the tasks within their sphere of control are forming a body of various parts that capitalizes on different skill sets, different gifts.

I think this is what the apostle Paul is teaching the early followers of Jesus in 1 Corinthians 12:12-27 about claiming their gifts and spheres of control in the community. He imagines the eye and the foot competing for prominence, different members of the body resisting their sphere of control or seeking to be in control. He writes that “there are many members, yet one body.”

A deep spiritual reservoir is strengthened when we are honest about that which we control, and that which we do not control. We don’t throw up our hands in a blizzard and scream “Jesus take the wheel!” We might slow our breath intentionally, and get our heart rate down, saying aloud, “help me, Jesus.” When I say those words, what I mean is: “Help me, Source of all Wisdom, to be wise, to stay focused on seeing the lines on the road in front of me. Help me to maneuver this car so that we stay on the road.” And even still, I veered off the road during a blizzard into a cornfield! True story. Just ask my daughter. Stuck in a cornfield in a blizzard, I prayed: “Help me to stay calm and make a plan.” What was in my control was how I was reacting to being stuck in a blizzard. Would I panic and fall apart and scare the hell of of my daughter? No way.

I remembered a scene from Little House on the Prairie where some poor child dies, (or nearly dies?), by stopping in the blizzard. That is the sum total of my blizzard experience from which I can draw, since I grew up in sunny Southern California.

So, my plan went like this: “Okay sweetie, we are a half mile from home and we are going to walk there in the snow. Bundle up, and hold onto my arm.” Umbrella pointed directly ahead to keep the snow from pelting our eyes, we started slowly trudging home.

A few minutes in the right direction and a neighbor in a jeep offers us a lift. It was in my control to accept the offer, and so we arrived home safe and sound. Hot cocoa and a roaring fire to celebrate and settle the nerves!

The majority of the time, God uses other people and our own brainpower and wisdom to rescue us from danger. We participate by making good decisions and controlling well those things we can. Life requires us to trust others- to be clever and discerning, yes—and to trust.

We are interconnected beings, and we throw our connections into a tailspin when we seek to exercise more control than is fitting.

When you spend time with someone who is seeking to exert more control over things than seems fitting, be gentle with them. Avoid being pulled into a battle for control. You might wonder if they trust who ever is in charge. You might wonder if some moment in their upbringing was so unsafe that they had to be the one in control to protect themselves.

We might seek to overfunction or to control where we ought not control because we deeply care about the outcome, or because we have been rewarded our whole lives for our over-developed sense of responsibility. Bosses love overfunctioning employees - the work gets done!

Mental toughness, resilience, spiritual depth - it can be enhanced by jotting down the things we are worried about, then scratching off the items outside of our control. As we scratch them off the list, we might pray: “This one is not mine to worry about, God. Feel free to assign it to someone else. Amen.”

What else does Gleeson say builds mental toughness? Find out next time in…

4 - Thrive on adversity

Until then, ponder with me how focusing on what is your control helps you to maintain healthy relationship, make good decisions in a crisis, and otherwise experience increased wellbeing.