Through Adversity
One of my sillier parental worries: my kids have had too nice of a childhood and won’t know what to do when they face some adversity later in life.
And then our son, a few weeks before starting high school, tried out for the soccer team. He did not make the team- which was a total shock to me. I was still up in Maine and I was beside myself that he was facing this “adversity” without me.
I texted with the mom of his friend where he was staying the night. She said he seemed fine and was talking about going with her son to cross country practice in the morning. Next thing you know, our son is texting and asking us to forward health forms to the cross country coach. He never looked back: from cross country he jumped into indoor track and then into spring track. He ended up at States his freshman year in the 4x400 relay! Now running is his thing — not soccer.
This whole experience calmed my fears about how he might approach adversity. I see him navigate struggle with competence and now understand that a nice childhood (a stable and supportive home life) offer children a steadiness from which to draw during adversity.
I lacked that kind of steadiness in the home growing up, which is why I didn’t fully realize the benefits of a stable home life. In my household growing up, there were plenty of adversities… like my mom losing her job, my mom marrying a charming yet alcoholic and abusive stepdad, my mom divorcing said stepdad, financial struggles, family disconnection, and the adverse effects of not being in relationship with my father except for an annual birthday dinner that was always awkward.
My childhood held some adversity.
The concept of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) came on to my radar when I attended a program on opioid use and recovery led by the Rev. Jan Brown (deacon at Bruton Parish in Williamsburg, VA and founder/director of SpiritWorks). Jan explained that ACEs are a useful tool in understanding one’s history and how such early adversity contributes to our paths forward, and what can be done to prevent ACEs and mitigate the effects. When some folks in recovery take a test to see their ACE score, they stop beating themselves up for using drugs or alcohol to cope because they have this quantifiable data point that says loud & clear: what happened to you in your early life was ADVERSE. It’s not all about your moral failings- this stuff that happened before you were 8 years old has affected you and your behavior. (Want more info on ACEs? Here you go.)
The ACE test is like golf — a low score is better. My score was pretty high, and that caused me to reflect on how I survived and grew resilient.
My best guess: Good people. Good people were there to listen, direct, comfort, affirm and shape me.
(Cue the thanksgiving message…) I’m so very grateful to the teachers and families at Ontario Christian Schools who shaped me and provided the stability that was sometimes lacking at home. I’m so very thankful to my Christian Reformed church community for the ways they supported my mom and me. I’m thankful that my mom rented out our house when she married the stepdad so that we had a place to live when they separated. I’m thankful for my cousin Andy who is 9 years older and a world wiser, and for my supportive aunts and grandparents. I’m so very thankful for my step brothers, George and Pat, who were rays of light in my life, despite the problems their dad faced and caused for all of us. I’m so thankful to the families of my friends Rashima and Wendy, and especially to the whole Randle family. I was surrounded by much love and affection, and when I worried if I deserved the adversities in my life, there were wise and loving people to tell me “no,” in no uncertain terms. So many good people!
I’m grateful that I was reminded constantly that I was valued by God, that I was a beloved child of God, that I was bright and fun to be around. These reminders saved me over and over again.
With that support and affirmation, and my mother’s persevering love, we made it through some real adversities.
For people like me who grew up with some ACEs, and who look back and see how it shaped us into the people we are today, we might seek a little adversity now and again. Or we might avoid all conflict and challenge altogether. Some of us with a high ACE score go from crisis to crisis on a life-long adrenaline rush because that’s what childhood taught us to do, and we haven’t figured out how to start a new pattern.
Considering how I have moved through adversity, and observing how healing has happened through therapy and forgiveness and trial and error has convinced me that I will be able to face future adversity, and that if it doesn’t kill me, well, then I’ll still be here. Learning, growing, contributing in some way.
In his article in Forbes magazine, former Navy Seal Brent Gleeson describes 13 habits to develop mental toughness, which I think may be a lot like a spiritual reservoir of strength and resilience. I’m working through a spiritual exploration of all 13, in an effort to shore up my mental toughness/resilience as the COVID numbers continue to frighten me and impede life-as-usual. His fourth habit is:
“4 - Thrive on adversity:
The people that exhibit the highest degrees of mental toughness, not only navigate adversity well, they THRIVE on it. They are more uncomfortable inside their comfort zone than when they venture out. They know how to transform volatility, uncertainty, and pain into a useful energy force.”
While I get what Gleeson is getting at here, this requires some nuancing. Spiritually resilient people walk right INTO a danger zone, not to become a part of the problem, rather- to contribute. And the same spiritually resilient people walk right OUT OF a danger zone when they know that they will not be safe there or be able to contribute in a meaningful way.
My friend J. is a chaplain at a well known hospital, and when COVID hit, she continued ministering to the doctors, nurses, staff members and patients. J. is no stranger to a good fight, and she was ready to spiritually fight the fear, anxiety, grief and isolation that turned our world upside down. J. also has the capacity to take a break - to step out of the adrenaline rush long enough to spend time with her partner and their dogs.
My friend P. was a counselor at a small college, and she never batted an eye when she walked into the dorm room of a suicidal student or sat with a person who shared something dreadful. P. has faced adversity, and walked with others through it in supportive and life-saving ways. P. also knows how to discern clearly which adversities were suited for other experts and referred people to them.
Sometimes adversities are so near they cannot be walked away from. Grief and divorce and miscarriage and illness and financial upheaval are not danger areas we can choose to skip over, or find a more qualified expert to take our place. I think that Gleeson’s idea of thriving in adversity as a characteristic of mental toughness is coming from the experience of adversity in one’s career rather than in one’s personal life.
Adversity in a professional sphere can be a thrilling challenge, although I have never felt a thrill when it has come to adversity in my personal life.
Personal adversity demands connection with others, time for reflection and clear thinking, staying whole and healthy. It’s a lot of work, and in my experience, not very thrilling. And yet I agree that one can thrive in the midst of it, being well and whole deep down in the soul.
Some of us have more experiences of danger, and know that we survived because someone walked alongside us and offered a well-placed reminder here and there of our worth, of a way forward, of a reality we had yet to explore. In this time of COVID adversity and danger, we move between vulnerable moments where we admit we haven’t showered in days to sturdy moments where we explore how this enormous adjustment has taught us new (and hopefully positive) things about ourselves and others.
Some of us are experiencing COVID as our first real adversity. We have lost a job, a loved one, a sense of who we are, the comforting habits of gym and grocery store, the ways we normally take care of ourselves and stay well. We see things falling apart or away- intimacy, fitness, connection, future plans, career or academic progress.
There is a possibility, some day, that we will look back on this adversity of COVID and understand how it shaped us into better human beings. Last week my friend Carrie Graves shared a quote from Stephen Colbert that aims in the direction of such a possibility:
“I learned to love the thing that I most wished had not happened.”
Colbert was speaking in an interview about grieving, about the childhood adversity of losing his father and two brothers in a plane crash.
I learned to love the thing that I most wished had not happened. That’s a hard sentence to say. It’s a sentence only said after the fact- way after the fact.
No one wants to experience adversity, yet we can all learn how to face it, accept it, and stay well throughout it. And someday, we may learn to fully welcome past adversities into our awareness for the wise teachers they have been.
One of the ways I have released some of the worry about whether or not my children are equipped for future adversity is to notice that they have developed strong relationships with really great peers and adults. They have good friends, and they like the parents of their friends. They have strong role models in a vocal coach, teachers, boss, scout leaders, track coach, and church youth group mentors. This gives them a network of support for those challenges ahead, and we’ll do our part as parents to keep a steady and stable home here for them when they need a place to reflect, think clearly, return to health and wholeness.
